I tried to ...

I tried to feel alive.... I hurt from the inside out.

Where d...

Where does the light mix with the dark..... Im hurt that she takes control, That I cant come home until she says, Hunger eats at the lining of my stomach, Tears fill up behind empty eyes, And maybe if I sit really still They would overflow into my lungs And I would drown. She took every picture of me off the fridge. Now the lecture. Why do I get punished for his mistakes Why do I get the evil eye? Silence overpowers my body As I plan my next step. That knife looks so fucking inviting Stay away... I must warn you that I am not right

Try to forget

Poison kills this colored heartAs my mind slips into a bright spinMy eyes fight to stay wideAnd my hands they gripDrink from the bottle Till u can see the endAnd the pain is gone Only till my stomach turns As this toilet bowl is my only friendTears because I let you downAs you say it will be alrightAnd memories that blur into the night

Just a sick saturday night

Wow last night was.....ummmm interesting. So my parents are outta town! I had people over we had a good time....till I got sick....enough said ; ) Hope everyone that was at my house enjoyed themselfs! Anyways next topic....WE HAVE NEXT WEEK OFF!!!!!!!!!! I need some away time from school and hurt. More time to sit on my ass lol.

Recap

So last night kelly and I didnt really know what we were going to do. The Phoenix had a shitty show going on and it was a waste of money....So instead we went and rented a movie like we have done every friday night for the past 3 weeks and then we didnt watch it. Sad news our video friend isnt going to be working there anymore. He always knew the movies that we like, now we have to find them on our own! sad stuff. Anywhoooo we ended up going over to bretts house where kelly learned to play guitar. We heard the same song a million times! haha I love u kelly u did good!Then kelly past out leaving brett and I to talk about how shitty life is. Kelly woke up after a good 2 hours and got in on our convo and we just chilled and listened to music. It was a very chill evening. My parents left this morning for the weekend! Could be some fun stuff happening here later tonight... I dunno we will see. Yea so that was my friday night! I hope everyone else had a good friday. O and dont forget that next week we have a friday the 13th!!!!!!!!I love everyone even if they hate me!

So I ...

So I just went to put on a cd and realized that I couldnt listen to it because of all the memories atached to it. Now I have a big stack of cds that I cant listen to because they make me upset! Great am I a freak or what!? Im messed up inside and the only person who I feel can help wont. P.S. Im cant come vist u tyler....and I know u arnt coming to see me. So we will plan another time I guess : (

Tyler I k...

Tyler I know u already posted this song but its my fav one by u and I am feeling in the mood to remember summer. So heres the song.Drive Home With Thoughts of Youby Tyler HanesWhite feather falls making night drift by,Silver polls lead me on till I fall, Peddle pushed to far, kissing the dusty floor, I lean into this Northern wind with reflecting light that leads me back to you,Feeling it all in my led drawn fall, Can you stay and see if my heart makes it down with the rest of me,Tears pressed to my hair yelling to my ears,"I believe it's you!"And this Red and green will lead me home,Wave your hand and whisper your sweet good byes,Can I scream above this blaze, "meet me soon!,"Will you meet me soon?As I slid, As I slid,Asphalt fails and gravel slips, Steering with my failing grip,Brakes lock and my stomach lifts,Filling my empty chest with an acidic burn,And road signs scream of how I lived for you,But my heart it drags behind,you hooked it with your stary eyes,I feel it tug, can you feel it tug,Bring me home from this white line dream,As I fall,Bring me home!As I fall,Bring me home!Skid mark road and my skid mark heart,Start this spark to take me home,Take me home..................with you.

I got...

I got new shoes today...Kelly and I just needed to get away from life for a while. We spent money and hung with all the friends we have made in different stores. I didnt think once about having to leave. I made it into my lil world where I didnt have to deal with the drama of high school.EHHHH! Sooo I feel kinda shitty. Im not sure why. Its Zachs birthday this weekend and Im not going to vist. O well I called him the other day to talk but he wasnt home : (I was really excited about my parents going away this weekend. I figured that I would just have some people come and chill with me. Things arnt going the way I thought. So maybe I will chill with myself this weekend. I can be my own best friend.I feel sick and I still have another day of school." If I werent here right now who would care? Thats how I feel. Im nothing. Sitting in the dark, I cant see a thing. I sit in a bathtub without water. Feeling the cold tile that surrounds my body. Feel the pain on my legs. Let the blood drip out of me. Cutting at my flesh. I sit alone in a pool of my blood. Cut away till Im gone." From a short story I wrote for english ( not about me ). I got an A+ : )

Blah

David this is for u and all the people that dont think I write normal shit!Today I woke up went to school and hated it. We had a fucking movie thing on drugs and shit...For every one that goes to Analy dont u wanna stop doing E and drinking listerine now? hahaI saw people and got my daily hugs.Kelly and Jessie and I went out to lunch for kells birthday D's has the best milkshakes!Came home and sat on my ass That was my day....now u see why I dont write about my boring life?P.S. Ant If u read this, U made me smile today...thank you

I should w...

I should write something happy...Nope couldnt think of anything!Dont worry Im still smiling

Drop

Endless cold runs through my bloodIm sick and feelings take over my mindI want to feel the pain Water runs into my lungs and I want to stop breathingClose off the airways and stop the thinkingI am drowning as I feel my body fallDown DownSo tired of this dropWho will catch me from this suicide jump?Toes curl over the edge Shattered glass Like my shattered life Let the pieces lie where they lay.

I have to be...

I have to be their rockTheir perfect lil girlWho does no wrong They already have a rebellious sonWho dares to dance on the wild side But my innocence is slipping away And I feel the dance coming on myself.

Summer

Its getting late and all I can think about is how much I dont want to go to sleep. If I go to bed now morning will come all to soon and I have nothing to wake up for. I hate school and most the people there. I dont spend enough time with the people I love. Today was boring as hell and lonely. Kelly and Ali didnt come to school leaving me feeling shitty and alone. Sad to think that it has come to this point. Im ready for summer......

Untill I Die

In a world full of people....who am I trying to impress?

Endless

Feel the acid burnPull fragile me from every which wayHurt me Kill meTell me you love everything about meI take it like a punch in the stomach Brutal lifeAnd crul painI like the way I look on the inside Slap my faceI will wear your hand print with Pride. Follow the blood that swirls down the drain She told me toTold me it was a good painAn escapeThats what I am searching for That hidden rabbit holeLed me into the twisted dream And leave me there.I cant find my way outSo live in this never ending dreamThis is my night mare.

Break Me

Cruel conversation With chance of phone callsMold my black heart Make me think im missing something greatHurt me Make the tears comeI should know betterI should know that I will be broken in the end.

A Poem For My Parents

Hide me away Tell yourself im fineMy blood spills Im tired and Im coldWith rested legs that walk on I will come home in the end.

Sorrow

Feel the ache Like you feel the killIts buried in my heartThe journeys to long, so give up nowIt will just end up breaking up in the end Mascara drown tear With clenched fistsThis night it will never end For the pain only escapes in my sleepAnd its to early for bed Tomorrow is another dayBut I can already tell That I will be sorry again When darkness falls.

Blah

Today was another bad day. I was in the mood to write so I did. It left me with lots of poems so deal with it!

Empty

I was "sick" this morning so I didnt make it to school. Although I did find time in my dad to go and get my hair cut. Its nice to have it short again. I hurt right now, I feel empty, drained. It takes a stronge person to stand alone in a crowd of once frieneds. I cant be that person. I see myself slowly sitting down.If I supposably have so many friends, then why do I still feel so alone?I thought to myself, I sleep so much now to escape reality that if I never woke up it would be a blessing.

Way Things Were

Soft pillows that hold the smell of old memories. Trying to remember those days As these words echo loud. Ocean view turns With silent lips, A lovers grip, Your to far away. Wheels turning on unpaved roads Closed eyes with opend hearts Sweet summer winds die down and drift apart. I go by that curb everyday. Today I plunged off of it, not the same. I feel summer memories calling me. I see old friends only from the back now. I am looking forward to my photography project. It hits close to home. Tyler, If you read this I am using that song Illustrations of Melbourne. Anyways Im really looking forward to it. All the pictures go along with the music and well if you have heard the song then you know the rest.I wish I could be happy again....I forget how that feels

Bottled up Feelings

Feeling a lil disconnected from the world.I feel like crap and the week isnt over yet. Time is moving slow and I am starting to feel run down.I miss my old life. I am sorry. I am so so sorry to everyone I have hurt. The last time I listened to this song I was in Hawaii. I remember that because we were driving and I was watching the waves crash along the shore. The sun was setting and I was thinking about him.That seems so long ago. That was when I had my old life. No that was when I began to lose my old life. I cry now on the inside. I feel as if I have had to start living all over again. So disconnected. I see the people that I once knew, I see them everyday. Its harder though with the people that I dont get to see anymore. Its hard to reconnect. This is just my sarrow And this is my sorry

6 AM Wake Up Call...

I hate the fact that it is late. I feel as if my day has slipped out of my reach. Please take me away. Away from my harmful mind. Show me that there is another way to feel. Today was just another day. I saw all my "friends" that have slipped away. It hurts me so to know that I cant take control of anything. I cant force my feelings upon others. Its something I have just learned. Its scary to know that I cant change things that are happening in my life.... I couldnt figure out why my legs were hurting. Then I remembered that kelly and I went to the Phoenix on sat. TO MUCH MOSHING. Kelly remind me next time to streach first! ;) Even though I hate life right now, I love knowing that it could change at anymoment. Please take me away. Away from my harmful mind. Show me that there is another way to feel. Tomorrow will just be another 6 AM wake up call....

This is Life

Scream out loud. No one will hear. A voice trapt within these walls you have built. So strong so no one can get in. Play to pretend. Live life in a dream. Is that living or are you just alive? Shrink me. I can use the help. Lift this weight off these tired shoulders. Tell me again. Tell me you miss me. I have only these memories. I just need to know that someone cares. Who ever you are, where ever you are will you step forward soon? Mend my heart. I dropped it, letting shattered pieces fall. Call me more than once, letting me think you care to feel. I only wish I was there with you. I want us. It could never be. The game would end. I wouldnt find it fun. Sick, twisted. Write to me. Why now? You are happy. I hate knowing that she can feel your love. Do you know that she stopped caring? I never did. So why her? I understand. Mix my cuts with salt and feel the burn. Touch the hot wax turn cold. Lonely when with company.12/14/03

Bitter

I want a body to curve to mine. Bend to fit me. I pick this path thats cracked because its familiar. This lithium coated path is to new. I am scared to fix myself with sugar coated pills. Then what would I have to think about. Use my brain as a hideaway. Where is the person that cares? I just want someone out of this sick world to hold me close, to show me that I am worth the time. Don't push me away. I break easily. Why do I let myself get used. Im just looking for the person who wants to let me stay close while they let time drift away. Ash scorn heart. Touch my wound and tell me its beautiful. Im scared to get better alone. Thats what I am right now, alone from even the closest of people. Feel the flame and lick the salted tears. Hide the crude smile behind sunny days. Make me beautiful with painted words. Pick the scabs and let the blood run cold. Ash your kisses. Hide away in the perfect X.12/22/03

Shooting Blanks

Its scary to be able to actually feel yourself holding the knife in your hand. The blade is sharp as my mind takes over. So real that I see myself shove the tip into my body, straight through my brusied heart. Pulling at this cap, the bottle falls to the floor, red pills scatter. It only takes 3 of them to cure my headache. A pain that spirals me into an unbearable state. Puke streams out of my fragial body as tears run down pale skin. Think 5 or more of these small red pills would end it. It wouldnt hurt, wouldnt feel a thing. Shake the bottle, it would take only minutes to consume its contents. I think about the gun. Its cold metal placed upon my temple. Pull the trigger way back. The bang seals the deal. But the pills, now they scare me. They are the real way out. And to think I am holding the bottle in my hands. Its all right here. Bottoms up pal, today is a happy one. Today holds a way out. Its hard to die when you are already dead. Indeed I am already dead. It started with the tack. Pulling and scratching at my flesh. Digging out what I hate so much. Trying to let the pain bleed out of my. Leaving only this X behind. It holds all my fears and shows me how to let them go. But this is no way out. Its not only hurting me.So I do it for the people. Im still here for the people. I am hurting inside and the people are to blame. Look at me! Im still here, living, because of the people, the ones that make me this way. Now thats a twisted game. 1/9/04